Funny how someone can say something out of anger that trigger a moment from 15 yrs ago that you thought you’d buried so deep. “If you wanna dress like a slut, then that’s what I’ll treat you like”…slut.
15 yrs later the words cut deeper than when said the 1st time as a “man” held me down on the dusty wooden floor. Difference is then, I thought I deserved, thought that had I just worn a different jeans, or forgone the ever popular ripped jeans for my usual pair of sweat pants or basketball shorts and I wouldn’t have been there, in that moment with a “man”three times my senior ripping away at my precious virginity.
Here I am, 15 yrs later, thinking I’m so much stronger because I NEVER allowed anyone to label me a “Rape Victim”. Because I never stopped once to point fingers or yell from my soap box about it. Just bottle it down.
I was wrong. So very wrong. Tonight a man, who thought was my entire world muttered the VERY SAME WORDS that instantly sparked oxygen deprivation. I went from being so proud and so strong, right back to being the same 15yr old girl walking home blood staining my jeans mixed with the urine I released from the fear. Every step on that walk home, weighed down by the pain of my torn vagina that throbbed with every step and the fear that came with every car passing, further heighten my anxiety and brick by brick I closed myself away.
Tonight that happened again. Merely words. “If you wanna dress like a slut, then that’s what I’ll treat you like”, spoken in a drunken anger but very much so released by a sober tongue. All sparked from an Instagram picture in which he was present when taken, look closely and you can see him there, kissing my forehead, proud to be with the “slut” in the green romper.
Maybe it was unwritten that I was to only be “his slut” but one none the same? For months now I thought I was something of a treasured gem. Something he proudly and lovingly wanted….but I’ve been reduced to the very same title that was spoke from the mouth of my rapist 15yrs ago.